It's been over a year since I've updated.

To the point.

God married, lived happily ever after for a little while. 

Things started not working.

Then I realised that life and marriage arn't as easy as they may seem.

The fact that I love someone who loves another will always bother me I think.

As long as she's happy.

Well the weddings plans continue.  Only big changes are moving the day to Sunday for economic reasons.  Really can't wait.  She's so amazing and fun and makes me so happy!

Was alot of fun!
Messed up flights all around but still probably the best weekend of my life.  I got engaged!  Some might think its a little fast but when you know you know.  I'll update more later I think...

It's been quite awhile since I've updated things.  Really not much has changed.  I'm still head over heels for Dixie.  Going to see her very very soon.  Can't wait really. 

I'm planning on re-enlisting very soon so that will always be fun.  Going to try and get orders out of this desert.  Other than that not really much going on.  Managed to sell my car, trying to find another cheaper one, preferably MUCH cheaper.  If nothing else not having a massive car payment a month will lighten my load.  I also managed to get a ring for my dearest.  I'll take pictures when I give it to her.  It will be a joyous event I'm sure, but I think she sees it coming.  Then again I don't really don't know what to say, but I'm also not trying to terribly hard to plan it out I want it to happen rather naturally.

Things move pretty fast, if you don't pay attention, you could miss it.

Today Dixie talked to my mom.  Apparently she made a good impression and I have her go ahead to propose.  Very important.  I can't believe things are moving this fast, its both amazing and very frightening.  But I can't wait.  So the plan is now, I"ll reenlist, and we'll move to Japan when I transfer units.  I really can't wait, it will be so much fun!  Its all so amazing, and its all fitting together so perfectly. 

Today was a rather good day today, with a few bumps in the road for flavor.  The idea of a future with one person both excites me and scares me.  I don't know what I should do.  My sister tells me that living with someone to see if you can actually work well together is a bad idea, yet I hear good things.  Not to mention certain things may cause me to stay in the corps, not a bad possibility really, but not a desirable one.  I wonder how well Dixie will be able to handle distance in the relationship.  Its difficult enough now, only seeing each other once or twice every few months but I'm very worried about how things will turn out of I have to leave for an extended period of time.  I really care about her but don't want to put her through the stress of me not being there for her.  So that issue is pretty much null and void.  So plans still remain the same, I'm still going ahead with school and the like which should make everybody happy, including me, but it does add a few other responsibilities on me that I haven't had to deal with.  One of which is a place to stay, and to a further extent having to live with somebody who is a part of my life not a piece of furniture.  My sister may not agree with me but I think living with Dixie would be wonderful, we'd get to see each other a great deal more but I also see my sister's point of view in that we'd always be there.  There'd be no break involved, and it would be harder to get away from each other when we wanted some time alone.  But we'll see.  We may decide to live together for the summer or something while waiting for classes to kick off again before heading back to the dorms or whatever.  We'll have to wait and see.  No rush just thoughts.  Other than that tonight was a blast.  Hung out and played poker with the guys, just sitting around talking about random funny stuff, all of which is highly inappropriate but meh, whatcha gonna do.  Anyways its late and I'm eager to find out how well Dixie does on her SAT's tomorrow.  I hope all goes well.  It had better go well!

This weekend was a weekend that is rather difficult to explain.  Considering a large portion of it was spent entirely with this petite young woman with bright pink hair.  The weekend as a whole involved many people dressed up as their favorite anime characters and numerous cat-girls walking around.  On a whole though, the time spent with Dixie was absolutely amazing.  And I look forward to spending more time with here again.

Almost two years have passed, and many things have changed, and many haven't. It has been a time of stress, and action; of pain and pleasure; of disillusionment, and enlightenment. I've seen the worst humanity has to offer and the best. And in the end, I love the Marine Corps, and I hate it. It's the suck. So few people will understand what its like to be in this organization. Many people think I made a bad decision, but they don't have what it takes to even attempt it. These people I ignore. They are the reason wars happen. Because they don't realise what repercussions an action can have. While they sit in a desk and talk out their ass, people die. I'm a man of action, I speak with my rifle. A man can hold a rifle for many years. Take it to war, and when he returns, put it in the armory. This man can do many things. Build a house, hold a child. But those hands will always remember how to hold a rifle. As I head back into the shit, I realise no matter what I am. I'm a Marine. I know the Birthday of the Marine Corps, and the heroes. I know the place it was founded and all the battles. Every Marine knows these things. We are Marines. Every Marine is my brother and sister. We all hate the Corps, and we all love it. We are Devil Dogs. We are jarheads. We are Marines. I know who I really trust, and who I'd gladly give my life for. And unless you've been a part of the suck, you don't understand it. You can't understand it. Think of me as stupid and a lost cause. I know who's stood by my side when it all came down. And all I say to my old friends. Where were you when battles needed to be fought. Where were you, when my brothers and sisters were dying. Protest out your ass. You arn't Marines. You don't have the balls to fight a war, and yet you protest it. Fuck you. I'm scared shitless every damn day I'm alive in that shit. But you're safe. And I'm comforted knowing you're alive.

Thank you Julie, you helped me to remember what it mean to be a Marine.

My birthday was today. Exactly two people rememberd. It seems to me that is for the better. My birthday has never been one of my happier moments. My parents told me they were getting divorced on my birthday. I moved out on my birthday. I got in my first wreck on my birthday. I sent somebody to the hospital on my birthday. A friend commited suicide on my birthday and yup, I'm in okinawa for my birthday...wow... Freakin Rex Manning day...

But on another note I shoudl be able to fix my slow ass computer tomorrow, which I'll have off from work, NO WORK WOOHOOO!!!!!! FUCK YEAH!!!! But I have to PT which isn't a bad thing in my mind. It upsets a few people that I know of but its not bad to me.. Anyways I'm done.

Girlfriend Application

BASICS:
Name:
Age:
Location:
Height:
Hair (color and style):
Eyes:
Piercings/tattoos:

OTHER:
1. Where would we go on dates?
2. Who is your favorite artist?
3. Do you drink/smoke?
4. Do you like the rain?
5. If so...would you play in it with me?
6. Do you like movies?
7. If so would you stay up and watch them with me all night?
8. Could we cuddle and just fall asleep together?
9. Would you kiss my neck?
10. Do you play any sports?
11. If so...what?
12. Would you call me right after we saw eachother?
13. How would you rate your kisses from 1-10?
14. Favorite body part on you?
15. What would you say is the best thing about yourself?
16. Do you have any reps (ie: heartbreaker, prick)?
17. Would you give me a kiss just because?
18. Would u sleep in the same bed as me?
19. Would u take me home to meet your parents?
20. Would u have sex with me?
21. If so, whats the soonest into our relationship you'd have it?
22. Would you tell your friends we had sex?
23. Would u let me touch u wherever?
24. How smart are you?
25. Do u have a specific body type that u lyk?
26. If so wut is it? (fat, skiny, chubby, athletic,etc)?
27.What would u do if i cried?
28.If i were 2 ask u out what would u say?
29.Would u makeout with me?
30.If we got to the point in the relationship where I told you I loved you, what would you say?
31.Would u ever cheat on me?
32.Would u ever trust me?
33. Would you ever lie to me?
34. Would you be proud to introduce me to your friends?

Well today I got re-activated for ASF (Assist Security Force), basically camp guard. We had a riot over some incident last night and I was recalled to assist SRT (Special Reaction Team a.k.a. Marine Corps Swat Team)longrifle, so in essence I sat on a roof all day with a long rifle while a bunch of pissed of Japanese protested my existance. For some odd reason everybody wanted to panic about the situation. Marines had to walk around base in cammies and the like, was a royal pain to my weekend. Anyways that is all.

lol I found this simple little test pretty accurate.

The Picto-Personality Test You are a person who is incredibly tranquil and values peace above all else. When alone, you are introspective. You constantly reflect on your life and the world. You are romantic, and when you are with your partner you like to woo them with your imagination. In the future you will be wise and healthy.

Take this Test at QuizGalaxy.com

I can honostly say the past few days have been enjoyable. I feel more alive than I've felt in years. It's as if all the weight in the world has lifted off my shoulders and I'm doing what I need to do. I've never thought this clearly before never really been as happy as I am now. I sit back, listen to good music and marvel at the sunset. That is all it really takes to make me happy. I know most people will never understand that. But God truly understands me, for no other person could have made a sunset quite like this one. the way the orange colors played along the rolling waves. Now if only I could manage to dance better. All in good time I suppose. I need to learn to play the piano, its sounds have always brought me peace, I wonder if my sister ever truly understood why I enjoyed listening to her play. All is well.

10 things you want to say to people but never do. Don't say who they are.

~ You gave me up, and smashed me down. I grew stronger only to see the lie that you lived. You forced, pushed and in the end destroyed all I cared about. In the end I can never forgive you. You ruined what was supposed to be the greatest time of my life. All the blood I've spilled I wish you could see, all the harm I've caused I wish you could see. Because the nightmares that haunt my dreams, you've caused.

~ You're cute, funny and bipolar. Half the time I wish I could be your friend, the other half I wish you would fall down a dark hole and get lost forever. One person, two minds. Too many minds. You can be strong when you're faced with something in front of you, but when its your own reflection you crumble like a fractured crystal. So many times I've wished I could respect you, but for all your deciet, lies and brainless insensitivity, I wish you'd leave me in peace.

~ You've picked me up when I was broken. You taught me a way to live my life in a way which is my own. You drove me from madness when I needed guidance. You've held me near death, and awarded my faithfulness. You've been there every time I've needed you, in a way nobody else has been. You've been the balancing force to what I've become, even though I followed in your footsteps. You've watched me come back, covered in blood and didn't ask questions. You've never let what you are change who you are when you're around me. I've seen you at your worst, and brought you back. I've tried in my own way to ignore the mistakes you've made, but you've made me proudest in the lifestyle you've chosen. We've shared so much, and only have a friendship to show for it. You've let me into your new family with open arms, and I can never repay your kindness. I've watched as you've swollen with 2 little children, and I sit back and wonder at the beauty you've given. You're a wonderful mother and a wonderful friend. Thank you ma'am for all that you've done, for I know we'll meet again my time is not done. I'll visit those shores of the desert again, my weapon in hand.

~ I've been beside you as you've walked the line, I've seen you fall and rise again. No bullets could shake you, no mortar destroy you but in the end a women is what killed you. I repected you most for the honor you upheld. You were a brother to me and a mentor as well. Too much I've learned from for it not to have changed me, but you're now gone because of something you couldn't control. The ultimate lesson you taught me was never to worry about things out of your control, but because your wife left you, while you were defending her freedoms, you ended your life, because you let it get to you.

~ You brought me into this world, and abondoned me to it. You left me to a man who knew not who I was. You left on your own, to find yourself wanting. In the end you came back, to a lost little boy. But what stared you in the face was an angry young man. You lied, you tricked and in the end you wept. Because the man you left, has blood on his hands.

~ I hate you. With all the passion that resides in my heart, I hate you. I hate what you've become, you're destructive, a liar and a cheat. You have no life yet pretend you live in one. You've destroyed all that was good in your life just for fame, and in the end I've decided its all been a game. The life you live is a sham to say it best, and I hope you die by a flaming hand. If I get ahold of you I wont be as gentle, for I will rip you assunder and break every bone. You've heart those I hold dear in more ways than I can count, but you sit back and laugh. Laugh all you want you bastard, I'll get mine. The power at my hands has already ended lives.

~ You reall have no clue who I've become. You sit back and laugh as the world is full of fun. You watched me come from death and worse, you saw with your own eyes a thousand words worth. But in the end you abuse all endlessly, until the day I took you out. You hit her once, and all I did was snap, you tried to swing again and only met my fist. No amount of training gave you a right to hit a woman, no amount of alcohol could give you that. I broke you, I embarrased you and in the end gave you iron bars. But you dind't learn nothing you did it again. You were the first friend I had on the god awful island, but all you have now is an enemy worth fighting. You've lost too many times and no-one respects you. You're a boozer, a drunk, and above all a loser. I don't hate you, because that would be lost on you. Instead I pity you, for your soon to depart. Wearing another orange jumpsuit and some snazy metal bracelets. Have a nice life as you do 25 that girl you raped was the last in a line. I stood in your trial and let the truth flow. What a world I know now I could defend people again.

~ I know you probably better than most, you've told me your secrets and I've told you mine. The strangest thing, no matter how close we got, all I got in the end was a very confused heart. I don't ever know if you you'll understand what you put me through, but I can say just one thing, you've made me stronger. I've never looked at love quite the same, its twisted and bitter but soft all the same. I've tried to love but can never really find it, no matter how hard I try it always seems to fall beyond my grasp. I know that you're sorry, but the pain is still, even though I love you, you're more of a friend. I value your friendship more than I value my life, in fact I'd die to protect you so one day you'd make a great someone a great wife. But no matter how much I try and I can never forget you. I'd pluck out an eye but still I could see you. I ran away from you to the only place I could to get away, uncle sam really liked me, he made me a shooter. I had a promising future I wanted to teach, but instead I end lives, for 1000 feet. I don't blame you, for I blame two others, you know who they are, they abandoned their son. But you've still been there, you've been an amazing friend. I miss you so much, but must I stay away? You've confused me to a point where I wonder whats up. I do what I can to remind you I'm alive. You did one thing I am eternally in your debt for, you gave me a god and my faith which still stands. But sometimes I wish you'd be more open and honost, instead of trying to always hide whats going on in your head. I've been replaced a few times, but I'm always here a guardian stands. I'll give you two words which hold true today, Semper Fidelus, always faithful I am.

~ You've been a montor for all of my life, I never really knew what you had done before. You were family and a friend but you surprised me still, you've been in the same place that I currently am. You've held the beast of steel and wood, and stared through the glass in a foreign forest. You've held your breath exactly like mine, and have slowly depressed to end another life. You're the only person who really understands, you shook my hand called me a man. You understood the troubles in mind and in faith, but above all things you've been apart of my family. Its broken and strange and includes different people, I have a sister I'm not related to at all. You welcomed her when you barely knew her, and still ask about her, you knew how much she meant to me. Still you ask even though you know we've moved on, instead she's a sister but that doesn't really bother you. I have yet another sister who sits in a ship, she's been there with me when it hit the fan. You shook her hand and welcomed her home, we stood side by side my blues on her whites and looked at us both and smiled. I've always known you'd support me always, but to hear you talk about your glory days. Of korea and the jungles of ~nam, I realised just why you call me a man. You listened and puzzled as I tried to explain what it felt like to jump from the edges of space. We talked shop of weapons and tactics but the subject of murder never came up. You never asked and I never answered, but we both knew what had happend you saw it in my face. You took me aside before you left, and thanked me again for everythign I've done. YOu watched as she pineed that little bronze star, on top of my chest though broken and scared. I thanked you for coming, so far away, I'd ask my sister to come but she'd couldn't stay. Thank you so much for always being there, you been more than a help, a mentor a friend.

~ I've hated you. You broke me down and broke me down further. Nothing was good enough in front of your eyes. All were too short or too tall, but you changed each of us and made us stronger. No matter what happened you always epxlained yourself, you showed me honor, courage and commitment to mission. Nothing has changed though two years gone past, we sat in a coffee shop and talked of my plans. I told you of my life in that far of nation, of rebuilding and destruction but above all you asked how are you feeling today. I resected you more because you didn't hold grudges, you'd let go of the time I attacked you and threw you to the deck because you were wrong. It didn't matter to you for you knew, what kind of marine you make me some day. Now I respect you I know what you did, you made me stronger so I could survive today. Thank you Marine for teaching me true and making me a better person.

Ok so I went on a battle sites tour of Okinawa. Was very interesting but we didn't get to stay very long at each site. These arn't all the pictures of the battle sites nor the ball but only the ones I've managed to upload. WAY too slow! It ended at the prayer peace park which is a very solomn place to be. The memorial wall shows about 140,000 names of people who died during the battle of okinawa. Not exactly an easy number to take lightly. Thats like killing every person at the superbowl. The ball was a blast as some of these pictures show. I just wish my camera didn't die and turn on randomly. Stupid camera.
Goals:
1.) Study
2.) Go for run
3.) Upload more pictures.

( Ok as requested, pictures )

Well the ball was a blast but my date was a no show. Julie left shortly after finding out my date wasn't going to show. She felt really bad. The only picture I had of all three of us was blurry as all get out, the price of a cheesy digital camera, I need a new one. I wasn't too worried that my date didn't show, Julie seemed to take it alot harder than I did, but I think I'm just numb from dealing with people. I still had a blast. The first half of the ball was very formal, as is the norm, then after dinner we all got down. I had a blast!!! Danced with 7 different ladies, always a plus, all multiple dances. Salsa and Swing lessons do help! My camera canked out about halfway through the festivities and started working again on the bus, I was highly disapointed. Anyways, ask if you seem me online and I'll send you pictures since I don't know how to post my many pics on LJ. Other than that all is well! Except I'm alone...and being alone is dull.
Goals:
1.) Get a good night sleep
2.) Work on school work again
3.) Pester my sister into posting my pics
4.) Hunting down a date for Thanksgiving
5.) Putting in my transfer orders to 9th ESB! WOOHOO!!!!
6.) Prepare for Corporal's Course
7.) Run my heart out!

From the halls of Montezuma, to the shores of Tripoli,
We fight our country's battles in the air, on land and sea.
First to fight for right and freedom, and to keep our honor clean;
We are proud to claim the title of United States Marine.


Our Flag's unfurled to every breeze from dawn to setting sun.
We have fought in every clime and place, where we could take a gun.
In the snow of far off northern lands and in sunny tropic scenes,
You will find us always on the job, the United States Marines.


Here's health to you and to our Corps, which we are proud to serve.
In many a strife we've fought for life and never lost our nerve.
If the Army and the Navy ever look on heaven's scenes,
they will find the streets are guarded by United States Marines


Happy Birthday to my beloved corps!!

Late last night and early this morning was a particularly trying time. One of my marines was court martialed and I had to both be a witness in his defense and escort him to the brig, the result of wanting to work with MP's. Needless to say it didn't go well for him. He was found guilty on all three charges and before sentencing they called his mother and had her give a statement over the phone. Her testimony was tear jerking and was the deciding factor in him staying in the corps.. Didn't make me feel any better having to take him to the brig.
I find myself in situations like these, where I have to watch so many bad things happen to myself and other people, and I feel so helpless. Yeah this person messed up and made a mistake, but it happens so often. I don't understand how so many people seem to dodge these events. I know so many people have done very bad things, but they've never gotten caught. It just amazes me is all.
Called Bre today, wanted to talk to her, haven't in a week or so. She's such a good friend and its nice to hear that she's having a good time. I miss having her around to do goofy stuff with. But on a more serious note.

My Goals:
1.) Run 3 miles
2.) Finish my MCI's
3.) Read a chapter from the new and old testament.
4.) Write a letter to a friend.
5.) Start shopping for christmas gifts.

Today has been a day just like any other, but for some reason it has brought about changes that I did not expect. Alissia, my companion for 3 months or so finally left. She grew tired of my keeping her out. Certain things she would not, could not, be privy too kept her always an arm's distance. She could never understand what was howling in the echo's of my mind. Yet she always tried. I truly hope she remains a good friend. I have so very few these days. Too few people can understand what it has taken me to reach the state I am at. Today I let down all my guards and showed her what I really am. I told her my story. And I saw the blood drain from her face. Some people just don't want to hear the truth, even when they ask for it. I just wish I could care. I lost a companion but I feel nothing. I feel so callous in my losses that I no longer feel the twinge of pain at being left. I've watched loves die. I've watched friends walk away. I've ran from friends and carried them off a battlefiend. But today I found a respect for things I never thought possible. I have set goals in my life. I finally have found what I want to do. And I know how to accomplish it. Though my sister may not like it and I know she will not understand. Still I must do what I need to do. No longer will I live to serve others. No longer will I put my life on the line to save a friend that doesn't want to help herself. I'm no longer that good guy. I'm no longer the guy who will listen. I am the guy who studies. Who reads. Who spends his life in persuit of knowledge.
I walked into church today and stared my pastor in the eyes and understood why I felt so lost in such a place. I have truly lost my faith. Things I've seen have proven beyond a doubt that there is a god and he is truly amazing, but I no longer feel his presence in my life. I have taken lives, I have done such horrors that I've lost friends over it. I bowed before god and begged for it to end, and all I feel is guilt. One day I'll have my faith again. Do not believe that I reject my lord and savior, but I feel like my soul is lost. Perhaps it is because my pastor can't forgive me. I've read the bible from cover to cover and nothing, nothing, can show that I will see forgiveness. I was a good person asked to do evil things. And I did them. And as a result I've lost my soul. I wonder who truly can understand the pain of knowing your god and not being able to reach to him. So now I learn.
With the morning begins a new life. My old person is dead, and I remember well the lessons to be learned there. And I will always be willing to tell people the truth of my mistakes. But I have a life to live and live it I shall. My best friend will not understand what I am to become. She will not see the frenzy that floats around me like a foul maisma, she will not undrestand. But love me she shall. She has lied on countless occasions that she didn't love me. But I know the truth for what it is. I know she does. And I made her a promise that I would return home. She brought me back and because I relied on her I collapsed into a different missery. And I rose again. I'm so very tired of having people try and pick me up. I've stood on my own two feet for so many things. I've always fought alone. Nobody willing to stand up and fight for something they believed in. Yet they are always quick to pick me up to fight again. And I've had enough. Now I fight for myself. I'm done. My life's goals are barred before you:

Short Term:
1.) Study Herbology
2.) Learn Japanese
3.) Learn to read body language
4.) Earn my associates degree
5.) Relearn computer Languages: C, C++, C.net, Java, VB, VB.net, Oracle, Cobra, Cobald, Binary, ect.
6.) Take and pass 4 college classes in 6 weeks
7.) Apologize to my best friend for all the grief I've brought into her life. And maybe try and explain what it is I've trying to do.
8.) Weigh less than 190lbs again.
9.) Write introduction to story.


Long Term:
1.) Masters Degree from University of Texas in either communications or computer science
2.) Bachelor's Degree from University of Texas in Computer Science
3.) Teach a class full of students.
4.) Find my faith.
5.) Forgive my parents.
6.) Forgive myself.
7.) Write a book.
8.) Write a movie script.

This is my motivation. My life is finally moving forward. For that I should thank Alissia, for she made me realise that I no longer need to hide who I am, instead I should embrace my life and move on with it. So I set these goals. I may not have much of a life but it is mine to live. I shall make allies and enemies. Friends and advisaries. I ask for no help. But I will accept any offer to stand beside me. I challenge every person to take a long look at their life and what they've become. I challange every person to seek out what they truly want in life and set goals. I challenege every person to reach them. Find motivation. If need be let help you along. My motivation is my past. I don't want to go back to what I was. Instead I am me. Nobody can take away who I am. I have flaws, I have problems. But they only help to build who I am. I challenge every person to do these things, to grow. Set down your old life and start anew.
From this day forward I will write in this journal. Few will read it at first and hopefully more will read it hence.

Going on deployment to Thailand!!!! WOOHOOO!!!!!! Be gone about a month or so, might be out of touch a bit as a result but who knows maybe I'll find a phone that works again. Anyways, today drastically improved after calling my sister today, she was fun to talk to, though distance has made our conversations fewer and farther between but its always nice to have a fun person around. Going out tonight with my repective other, she's not too happy about me leaving for a month but she'll get over it, she doesn't have a choice in the matter, niether do I for that matter. We'll be doing combat drops, patrols and I'll be dragging the boot snipers through a few fun tests that will probably make me want to hurt them. Also planned for this event is alot of fun times on liberty!!!!! WOOHOO!!!!! I'm going to send you something sis, its going to be suitably naughty and more than slightly disturbing, but you'll love it. Lets just hope I can find it!!!!